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Ear
Mar 24, 2010 8:55:21 GMT -5
Post by Avenger on Mar 24, 2010 8:55:21 GMT -5
I was thinking of banned's story about the car wreck and it reminded me of another one:
There used to be an Enterprise Rent-A-Car next door to my shop. One day an old-timer comes in with his wrinkled rental car on a hook. So I see the agent filling out the paperwork, and they give him another rental. A few seconds later there's a screech - crump noise out in the street. Uh-huh. Didn't even make it out of the parking lot before getting t-boned. Then we hear him yelling at the agent because they wouldn't give him another car. The agent made some comment like "This ain't baseball pops! Here, two strikes and you're out." I was talking to the agent about it later and I got the back story. Guess why he needed to rent a car... Yup. His was at the body shop. Seems it was his third strike after all.
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Ear
Mar 25, 2010 6:32:47 GMT -5
Post by yachtsmanwilly on Mar 25, 2010 6:32:47 GMT -5
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Mar 28, 2010 7:45:44 GMT -5
Post by yachtsmanwilly on Mar 28, 2010 7:45:44 GMT -5
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Mar 29, 2010 8:50:30 GMT -5
Post by yachtsmanwilly on Mar 29, 2010 8:50:30 GMT -5
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Mar 29, 2010 16:56:23 GMT -5
Post by solidwaste on Mar 29, 2010 16:56:23 GMT -5
Hollywood Squares:
These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course..
Q.. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat? A.. Paul Lynde: Loneliness! (The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)
Q. Do female frogs croak? A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years. A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman? A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married? A.. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older? A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'? A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty...
Q.. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'? A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking? A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather? A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year? A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score? A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other? A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet? A... Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls? A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do? A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to? A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people? A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it? A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do? A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant? A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex? A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they? A. Charley Weaver: His feet
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed? A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh
WE DON'T STOP LAUGHING BECAUSE WE GROW OLD, WE GROW OLD BECAUSE WE STOP LAUGHING!
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Ear
Mar 29, 2010 17:57:58 GMT -5
Post by yachtsmanwilly on Mar 29, 2010 17:57:58 GMT -5
Craig....that is most EXCELLENT!!! thanks for the laughs.....ppat
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Ear
Apr 2, 2010 15:59:34 GMT -5
Post by yachtsmanwilly on Apr 2, 2010 15:59:34 GMT -5
Superman comic sells for $1.5M, setting record
NEW YORK – The record price for a comic book, already broken twice this year, has been shattered again.
A copy of the 1938 edition of Action Comics No. 1 sold Monday for $1.5 million on the auction Web site ComicConnect.com. The issue, which features Superman's debut and originally sold for 10 cents, is widely considered the Holy Grail of comic books.
The same issue sold in February for $1 million, though that copy wasn't in as good condition as the issue that sold Monday. That number was bested just days later when a 1939 comic book featuring Batman's debut sold for $75,000 more at an auction in Dallas.
There are about 100 copies of Action Comics No. 1 believed to be in existence, and only a handful in good condition. The issue that sold Monday was rated slightly higher than the one that sold in February; it had been tucked inside an old movie magazine for years before being discovered.
The issue was bought from a private collector and then sold by Stephen Fishler and Vincent Zurzolo, the co-owners of ComicConnect.com. It was bought minutes after being posted Monday at the asking price of $1.5 million by "a hardcore comic book fan," Fishler said.
"There's been a lot of attempts to acquire this book over the last 15 years," he said. "The recent activity, I guess, did the trick."
Fishler speculated that the sudden burst of record-priced sales are due to "pent-up demand." Issues of such prized comic books rarely become available for purchase. Rarer still are issues in such good condition.
"I can't imagine another book coming on the market that exists that would top this," Fishler said. "This may be the final say — at least for the next 10 or 20 years — for a record price of a comic book."
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Ear
Apr 4, 2010 7:29:52 GMT -5
Post by yachtsmanwilly on Apr 4, 2010 7:29:52 GMT -5
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Apr 7, 2010 10:41:30 GMT -5
Post by solidwaste on Apr 7, 2010 10:41:30 GMT -5
Irish Viagra
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido.
'What about trying Viagra?'asked the doctor.
'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'
'Not a problem,'replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'.
It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it.
Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went..'
It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.
The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'
'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor...
'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop!
It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'
'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, ' Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'
'Freakin' jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!
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Ear
Apr 8, 2010 6:10:15 GMT -5
Post by yachtsmanwilly on Apr 8, 2010 6:10:15 GMT -5
They say the two happiest days in life are the day you buy a boat and the day you sell it. Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who sank it. Joe spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening. Unbeknownst to him, his brother John's wife died suddenly. When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery store. A kind old neighbour woman,MariBeth, mistook Joe for John and said, "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible." Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said, "Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shrivelled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The darn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle!" MariBeth fainted.
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